The definition of dread is as follows…”to anticipate with great apprehension or fear.” That pretty much hits the nail on the head for where I have been camped out the last several weeks, Camp Dread. My son, Ben, was scheduled three months ago for a four day hospital stay during which his seizures would be studied. Ben’s autism can make him combative on a normal day. I could only imagine what challenges were ahead. However, the appointment was three months away. In the words of Scarlet O’Hara, “After all, tomorrow is another day.” We will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Time really did fly and suddenly the appointment was weeks, not months away. My prayers for this time were constant. However, on a subconscious level which I was unable to control, dread was insidiously taking over my thoughts. The week prior to the hospital stay, dread had moved to a very conscious level and had me by the throat. On the outside, I could still pull off calm, but on the inside, to use a word from Larry the Cable Guy, all was pandelirium.
I was convinced that this would be one of those James Chapter 1 experiences. This challenge, this test would be tough, but God would use it to mature my Christian walk. His grace would be sufficient despite the circumstances and I would just have to stick it out. (Bad attitude right there.) Up until the night before, a very concerned Ben had been showing his displeasure about the upcoming event. He was scared. Heck, we both were. Dread, Dread, Dread!!!
Here is where God unloaded His truckload of grace exactly at the time it was required and not one minute sooner. From the moment we awakened Ben at 4:00 a.m. for our early departure until this moment, day two of hospitalization, Ben has been awesome, co-operative and totally enjoying the pretty nurses! In my mind I knew the grace would be there when i needed it, but I had not factored in the calm that accompanies seeing God work a miracle in the most dreaded of circumstances. Ben and I have lapped up this grace and peace like a thirsty dog living in the South where the heat index is 104 degrees. Ahhh…relief!
Why do I get myself so worked up? I am sure that Satan runs video in my mind’s eye of past moments of chaos and despair. Why do I allow myself to focus on the horror of that instead of the face of Jesus. No answer for that except, praise God, He’s still working on me. I am not a lost cause and neither are you. And, as with me, trust and faith grow when you see your Heavenly father lovingly step in and battle dread until it is defeated. Hallelujah! Learn from my mistakes and hold on to this promise, “No in all these things we are more than conquerers through Him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37) To God Be the Glory!